Hi,
Have you ever felt betrayed by a friend? With teens, betrayal usually involves romantic relationships. Younger kids might feel betrayed if a friend tells their secrets, gets them in trouble, laughs along when other kids tease them, or just hangs out with a different friend.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Sally wants to know how she can tell if a friend is trustworthy. Kids (and all of us!) long to be perfectly in sync with a friend, blissfully connected and supported. That’s the ideal, but most friendships hit at least occasional rough spots. Navigating these can sometimes bring friends closer.
Let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 84 - Eloise, age 8: Fights with close friends
Ep. 79 - Mar, age 11: Is your friend a fake friend?
Ep. 81 - Nicoletta, age 14: Friend's secret could harm them
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever thought that a friend betrayed your trust? What happened? How did you handle it?
What are some things you do to show your friends that they can trust you?
Why do you think kids sometimes blab their friend’s secrets?
What should you do if you accidentally tell another kid something that your friend wanted to keep private?
Dr. Friendtastic said, “It takes courage to trust someone, especially if you’ve been burned before.” Why is it sometimes hard to trust people? Why do you need to trust people to build close friendships?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Sally, I'm 14 years old and I was wondering, how do you know if you can trust a friend?
Hi, Sally! Thanks for sending in this interesting question! I’m guessing that maybe you’ve had an experience of a friend who was not trustworthy, and that’s made you a little nervous about whether you can trust other friends.
Let’s start by talking about how we want to trust our friends. We definitely want friends to keep our private information private. If we confide in them about what we think about other people, or stressful events in our lives, or embarrassing things we did, or our hopes, fears, or self-doubts, we want to know that they will hold those carefully and not turn around and blab about them to others.
Beyond keeping our secrets, we also want to trust that our friends will be kind to us, that they’ll be honest with us, that they accept us as we are and want the best for us, that they’re always on our side… We want to trust that our friends care about us and will support us when we need it.
Wow! That’s a long list of things we want from a friend! It’s a good list, but here’s the problem: we’re all human. It’s very likely that someday, somehow a friend will let you down. Maybe they’ll say something that hurts your feelings or do something that upsets you. They probably won’t do it on purpose, but it will sting.
And, on the flip side, you’re likely to make a mistake and disappoint your friend at some point, too.
Of course, it’s important to recognize that there are different degrees of breaking trust. Some just lead us to feel a bit disappointed or annoyed. Those are easier to get past.
Working through friendship rough spots is part of building a strong friendship. When they happen, the two of you can talk things out, ask for what you want from now on, or just decide to forgive each other and move on. And maybe getting through that friendship rough spot will help you understand each other a bit better.
But sometimes a friend might break your trust in a way that makes you feel betrayed because they did something that hurt you deeply and makes you doubt that they care about you. That could be a friendship ender. That’s sad, but maybe it will help you learn something about relationships and also about yourself and what you are or aren’t willing to accept.
Does the fact that no friend is perfect mean you should never trust anyone? Definitely not! Keeping your distance guarantees shallow relationships! Who wants that?!
It takes courage to trust someone, especially if you’ve been burned before, but it’s the only way to build a close friendship.
Now, getting back to your question…how do you know if you can trust a friend? There’s no sign that guarantees a friend will be trustworthy. Someone who’s usually kind is more likely to be trustworthy than someone who often does mean things, but mostly we just need to figure things out, bit by bit over time.
Maybe you’ll share something about you, and your friend will respond by sharing something about them. Maybe you’ll have a problem and your friend will help, then your friend will have a problem and you’ll help. Maybe you’ll hit a friendship rough spot and work through it together in a way that makes you both feel closer. As you spend time together, you’ll get to know each other better, and maybe genuine trust will grow between you.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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