The trickiest friendship dilemmas are ones where kids are pulled in two directions. In this week’s podcast, Nicoletta wants to be a good and loyal friend, which usually means keeping a friend’s secret, and she’s also worried that keeping that secret could end up harming the friend. How can she weigh the risk of making the friend mad and maybe even ending the friendship versus the wish to keep her friend safe?
Have you or your child ever faced this type of situation? What happened?
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. This month’s feature workshop is Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Develop Real Self-Esteem. Watch it at your convenience!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 1 - Naomi, Age 7: Friendship ends over small thing
Ep. 6 - Jayden, Age 9: Wondering why kids bully
Ep. 78 - How to confront a friend
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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Tattling means trying to get someone in trouble. Telling means talking to an adult to prevent someone from being hurt or something from being broken. If Nicoletta decides to tell an adult about her friend’s secret, is that tattling or telling? Why?
If you were in a situation like Nicoletta’s, who are the trusted adults in your life that you could go to for help?
Why do kids sometimes NOT want to go to an adult when they’re having a serious problem? (Hint: Why do you imagine Nicoletta’s friend begged her not to tell her secret to anyone?)
What could Nicoletta say to her friend if the friend gets mad at her for telling?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question!
Hi, my name is Nicoletta. I'm 14 years old. And what do I do if my friend told me something begging me to keep it a secret, but if I do, it could harm them.
Oh, Nicoletta, this is such a hard situation to be in! On the one hand, you want to be loyal to your friend, and that usually means keeping things private that your friend doesn’t want you to share. On the other hand, because you care about your friend, you want to do anything you can to prevent them from being harmed.
The first thing to consider is the type of harm: How serious is it? How likely is it? How soon might it happen? If it’s not that serious or not that likely, or not something that would happen soon, you might be able to wait, keep your friend’s secret, and maybe just encourage them to make smart choices.
But if the harm is serious and especially if it’s also likely or could happen soon, I think you know what you have to do: Tell an adult.
Now there are lots of ways you could do this.
You could offer to go with your friend while they tell an adult.
You could tell your friend you’re worried about them, so you’re going to tell an adult if they don’t do it very soon.
You could tell an adult and then tell your friend you told because you care about them.
You could also tell an adult without saying anything to your friend–although they might find out later.
Which of these options is best depends on your relationship with your friend and the type of harm.
The next thing you need to decide is which adult to tell. Think about who’s likely to respond in helpful ways. You may want to start with your parent because I bet you’re feeling stressed about this whole situation, and your parent will likely be interested in looking out for you as well as your friend. You could also try your friend’s parent or a teacher or coach who knows your friend well. Your school guidance counselor might also be a good choice because they’re trained to deal with a lot of complicated situations.
Your friend might get mad at you for telling. But here’s what I want you to know: If you’re telling out of genuine concern for your friend to keep them from being harmed, you are a very good friend. Even if it ends the friendship, you’ll know you did a caring thing.
I hope, with time, your friend will see that, too.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Nicoletta, Age 14: Friend’s secret could harm them