Starting in late elementary school, kids sometimes have joined-at-the-hip close friendships. These can be wonderful, but sometimes also stifling. In this week’s podcast episode, Paa wants to expand her friend group but wonders how to do that without hurting her best friend.
Did you have a best friend growing up? Did the friendship last? How did you balance a best friend versus a broader friend group?
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. This month’s feature workshop is Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Develop Real Self-Esteem. Watch it at your convenience!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 4 - Thomas, Age 13: One friend feels left out https://drfriendtastic.substack.com/p/kids-ask-dr-friendtastic-episode-71f
Ep. 13 - Mara, Age 9: Friend doesn't want her to have other friends https://drfriendtastic.substack.com/p/kids-ask-dr-friendtastic-ep-13-mara
Ep. 67 - Paul, Age 12: Choosing good friends
https://drfriendtastic.substack.com/p/paul-age-12-choosing-friends-who
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Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever tried to expand your friend group? What did you do? How did it work?
Dr. Friendtastic said that the easiest and kindest way Paa could expand her friend group is to invite her current best friend to be part of that goal. Why do you think that might be a option?
Why is inviting someone to do something fun with you outside of where you normally see them a good way to deepen a friendship? (Hint: What does that show them about how you feel about them?)
What are some ways you could show a friend that they matter to you?
Transcript
Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question!
Hi, I'm Paa, and I'm 12 years old. How do I expand my friend group without hurting my best friend's feelings?
Hi, Paa! Thanks for sending in this great question! A lot of kids wonder exactly this! I think it’s exciting that you want to expand your friend group. It’s also thoughtful and kind of you to want to avoid hurting your best friend’s feelings!
The first thing to do is figure out who you’d like to build or deepen a friendship with. Maybe you’ve chatted with someone who seems nice at school or at an activity. Maybe you need to join a club or activity that helps you meet people with the same interests you have. Choose people you think you have a lot in common with.
Kids make friends by doing fun things together, so once you’ve figured out who you want to become closer friends with, the next step is to invite them to do something fun with you outside of where you normally see them. That tells them, “Hey, I like you, and I want to spend more time with you!” It’s a great compliment! You could invite them over, meet up somewhere, or plan a fun outing together.
Now, what are you going to do about your current best friend?
The easiest and kindest approach is to ask her to join you in expanding your friend group! She might have ideas of other people you could both become closer friends with. She could also be great support and company if you decide to invite new friends to do something with both of you. Making expanding your friend group a shared project with your best friend could increase your closeness with this friend and add new friends to your life.
But what if you want to make new friends apart from your relationship with your best friend? Having a close friend doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. You’re free to explore new activities or friendships without her.
At the same time, if you want to keep your relationship with your best friend, and not leave her feeling dumped, you need to think about what you can do to show her that she matters to you. Words are good, but actions count more.
What could you do to make sure that you and your best friend spend fun time together on a regular basis? How can you be good company when you’re together? What can you do to make sure that you know what’s going on in her life and vice versa?
You may be wondering if you should tell your current best friend that you want to make more friends apart from her. If your actions are going to change your usual routine with this friend, then yes, it would probably be a good idea to explain and also show you want to be with her. For example, you could say, “I’ve decided to join the field hockey team, so I can’t hang out after school, but let’s have a sleepover on Saturday!”
Your friend might still feel hurt if there’s a change in your relationship, and she becomes less of a priority for you. That’s understandable! Juggling separate friendships can be tricky. Being thoughtful and kind is your best bet for trying to preserve that friendship as well as your new ones.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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