Hi,
Outrage is a mixture of hurt and anger. How could they do such a thing?!?! It’s wrong! It’s mean! It’s not fair!
I imagine that all of these thoughts and feelings are running through the mind of Leni, who sent in this week’s question for the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast. She is outraged that some of her classmates are passing notes about her.
I agree: that’s flat-out mean! And I’m sure the kids who were passing the notes knew they were being mean.
But what can Leni do to stop them? That’s where things get complicated. With friends, an honest and respectful conversation can inspire them to change their ways. Usually, any unkind actions from a friend were just a mistake or a misunderstanding. With nonfriends, objecting to their provocative actions could inspire even more meanness.
Listen to this week’s episode to hear how I help Leni think through different options, and let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. This month’s online, recorded workshop is for kids: Dealing with Feelings About Friends!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 76 – Ayana, Age 10: Friends ditch her
Ep. 51 - Saorise, Age 8: Mean comment said behind her back
Ep. 35 - Ryan, Age 11: Peer put down his interests
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why do you think kids sometimes pass notes about other kids?
What are some reasons why Leni does NOT have to know what’s in the notes about her? (Hint: How would she feel if she read a mean note about her?)
Dr. Friendtastic says, “We can’t control what other people do.” What are some things you CAN control in your interactions with other kids?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, my name is Leni, and I am 9 years old my question is what do you do if people are passing notes about you?
Hi, Leni! Thanks for sending in this question! I’m guessing you’re feeling mad and maybe hurt that people are passing notes about you. You might also be curious about what they’re saying.
If you haven’t seen the notes, you don’t know for sure that those kids are writing about you, but let’s assume that you’re right, and they really are passing notes about you. Let’s also assume that those notes are unkind. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be concerned about them.
So, what can you do in this situation? Well, there are some not-so-helpful possibilities. For example, you could stand up, point to them, and accuse them by saying loudly, “How dare you pass notes about me!”
What do you think would happen if you did that? Well, they’re sneaking already, so my guess is that they would just deny that they were doing it. And they might laugh at you or write even more notes about you! Ugh!
Another not-so-helpful option is to spend all your time watching them, to try to prevent them from having the chance to pass notes about you. But you can’t watch them every single second, and they’d probably enjoy the challenge of trying to sneak one by you. Also, I bet you can come up with more fun things to do with your time than constantly watching people to see if they pass notes about you!
Another not-so-helpful possibility is, if you see someone passing notes about you, you could leap on top of them, wrestle them to the ground, grab the note, read it, and then say, “Ah-hah! I caught you! I knew you were passing notes about me!”
Hmmm. I don’t see that option turning out well, either. Someone could get hurt, and you’d probably get in trouble for the leaping and wrestling. And, again, I don’t think it would stop them from passing more notes about you.
These not-so-helpful possibilities make something very clear: We can’t control what other people do. That can be very frustrating when other people are doing something we don’t like! But it’s an important truth.
Instead of focusing on what those kids are doing, it’s more useful to focus on things you can control. This includes how you think about the situation, what you do, and who you hang out with.
Right now, you’re probably thinking, “I have to know what’s in those notes!” No, you really don’t. These kids aren’t being kind, so you don’t have to care what they think.
There’s a wonderful freedom that comes from realizing that if they’re not brave enough to say something directly to you, then you don’t have to deal with their opinions.
My suggestion is that you cheerfully ignore their note-passing and hang out with kids who are kind to you.
Will this make them stop passing notes about you? Maybe eventually. At least you won’t be adding to their enjoyment by having a big reaciont and giving them more to write about. And most importantly, you’ll be focusing your attention on having fun and enjoying your life, regardless of what they do.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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