Hi,
Have you ever had someone say to you, “I know exactly what you’re going through!” and they absolutely don’t? At best, that comment feels dismissive. At worst, it’s enraging.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Mason wants to know what to say to a friend who is feeling down. This can be a tricky thing to do! I spell out why some well-intentioned comments can backfire, adding to a friend’s distress, and what to say instead!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. This month’s online, recorded workshop is: Helping Siblings Get Along! Paid subscribers get $20 off!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 88 - Sophia, Age 7: How to support a friend with a broken leg
Ep. 81 - Nicoletta, Age 14: Friend's secret could harm them
Ep. 33 - Richard, Age 11: Best ways to show empathy
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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Think of a time when you were feeling down and someone tried to comfort you. What did they do? How did it make you feel?
Why is saying, “I had something even worse happen to me!” not usually a caring thing to say?
Dr. Friendtastic says, “Any advice that begins with the words, “You should just…” is probably wrong.” Do you agree? Why or why not?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
Here’s today’s question:
My name is Mason. What should you say to your friend when he or she is feeling down?
Hi, Mason! Thanks for sending in your question! This is such an important topic! Also, the fact that you want to be there for a friend who is feeling down shows that you are a very caring friend!
There are a lot of reasons why a friend might be feeling down. Sometimes, it’s about a specific, short-term event, like doing badly on a test or having an argument with someone. Sometimes there’s a bigger, longer-lasting situation, like a serious health problem or parents getting divorced. And sometimes people feel down but they don’t know why.
Let’s start by talking about some UNhelpful ways to respond.
You definitely don’t want to say, “I know exactly what you’re going through because one time I had something even worse happen to me!” Ugh! There are so many ways that response is NOT supportive! First, it takes the focus off the person needing comfort. Second, it shuts down curiosity about what the comfort-needer is experiencing by assuming it’s the same as what you experienced. And third, it tries to top the suffering of the comfort-needer by saying “I had something even worse happen to me!”
Another unhelpful response is to leap in with advice. Sometimes people think that that’s what a friend who is feeling down wants, but that’s usually not the case. Advice can come across as a put-down, because it implies, “I know more than you!” It can also strain a friendship if your friend decides not to follow your advice. Also, any advice that begins with the words, “You should just…” is probably wrong.
A third not-so-helpful response is to try to cheer up the friend who is feeling down. This might seem like a caring thing to do, but it can come across as forcing the other person to act cheerful because it’s uncomfortable for you to be around them when they’re not.
Phew! That’s a lot of things to avoid saying to a friend who is feeling down. So how can you be supportive?
Well, the key is to focus on listening more than talking.
You could try just acknowledging your friend’s feelings. You could say, “Wow, that sounds hard!” Or, if you want to be more specific, you could try echoing your friend’s feelings by saying, “You’re feeling blank because blank.” For instance, “You’re feeling discouraged because you didn’t make the team” or “You’re feeling worried about your mom’s illness.” Comments like these show your friend that you’re listening and you care.
You could also try asking questions like “What are you most worried about?”, “What do you think you might do?” or “What do you think might help?” These questions might help your friend think through how to cope with whatever’s going on.
Try to follow your friend’s lead in terms of how you show support. Sometimes a friend who is feeling down wants to talk about what’s going on, but sometimes they’d rather not talk about it. Support doesn’t have to involve words. Just hanging out together could be a great way to express caring for your friend.
There’s one other thing I need to mention: If your friend continues to feel down for two weeks or more, or if you’re worried they might be in danger somehow, that means your friend probably needs more support than you, as a kid, can offer. Talk to a grown-up who can help.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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