Hi,
There are two ineffective but oh-so-tempting responses when we’re mad at a friend: The first is to give them a piece of our mind, loudly letting them know exactly how wrong they are! The second is to clam up and refuse to speak to them…because they should know what the problem is! Neither one of those responses is likely to get the reaction we want from a friend (or anyone)!
I’ll be back to answering kid’s questions about friendship next week on the podcast, but in this week’s episode, I talk about the necessary prep work before confronting a friend about a problem. This is challenging, even for adults! Asking good questions is one of the best ways we, as parents, can help our kids learn to think through how to deal with friendship issues.
Let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 78 - How to confront a friend
Ep. 24 - Fake friends versus real friends (Olivia, age 13)
Ep. 57 - Avoiding conflict (Zen, age 6)
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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Think of a time when you felt mad at a friend. How did you handle it? How did your friend respond?
What are some reasons why it’s not a good idea to yell at a friend, even if you’re mad?
Why is not speaking at all a bad way to solve friendship problems?
How can talking to other kids about a problem with a friend make a problem bigger? How is that different than asking an adult for advice?
Transcript
Suppose a friend blabbed your secret, or made fun of you, or broke a promise to you. What would you say? In this episode, I’ll talk about two questions to think about before you confront a friend.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, you can send in your question at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Friendship rough spots are unavoidable. How we handle these affects whether our friendships continue, grow stronger, or fall apart.
Instead of answering a kid question today, I want to share with you two important questions to ask yourself when a friend did something you don’t like, before you confront your friend about the problem.
The first question is: What response are you hoping for?
We can’t change the past and erase whatever happened, so what do you want your friend to do from now on? Choose something that’s fair and realistic.
For example, let’s say you’re mad because your friend sat with someone else at lunch. Maybe part of you wants your friend never to speak to that kid ever again! But another part of you probably realizes that that wouldn’t be fair or realistic. Your friend is allowed to have other friends.
If you think about what you want from your friend a bit more broadly–that you’d like your friend to have fun with you–that opens up more possibilities. Maybe your friend could include you at the new table, or maybe the two of you could hang out at recess or get together on the weekend.
Knowing the response you want makes it easier to explain that to your friend.
The second question is: What kind of communication is most likely to get the response you want?
Ooh! That’s a tough one! When we’re mad, it’s tempting just to yell at a friend and tell them they’re bad! But what kind of reaction is that likely to get? Your friend would probably yell back! In general, if you’re mean to someone, they’re likely to be mean back! So, that’s not a smart or kind choice.
Sometimes, when kids are mad, they give their friend the silent treatment. That means they refuse to speak to their friend. But then, the friend has no idea what the problem is or how to fix it! Not talking at all is never a good way to solve problems.
Think about how you’d like to be treated if you were in your friend’s situation. Use kind words. If you both made mistakes, maybe apologize for your part of the problem, even if your friend is more wrong!
Be sure to keep the problem just between the two of you. If you tell five other kids about what your friend did wrong, your friend might tell five other kids about what you did wrong… Oof! Then twelve people would be involved and the problem would be much bigger!
Try to imagine your friend’s perspective. That’s hard to do when you’re feeling upset, but when you can see your friend’s point of view, you’ll probably feel less mad, and you’ll also be better able to figure out what to say.
Most likely your friend wasn’t trying to be mean. You could open the conversation by mentioning that you understand where they were coming from. You could say, “I know you didn’t mean to…” or “I get that you were trying to…”
Ask directly for what you want moving forward. Be clear, polite, and positive. Desribe what you want your friend to do rather than what you don’t want them to do. You could say, “Tomorrow, could you bring me with you to the new table?”or “From now on, could you please call me by my real name? or “Next time, could you please ask before borrowing my stuff?”
What response do you want? What kind of communication is most likely to get that response? These two questions are difficult! It takes some thought to answer them. If you haven’t figured out the answers to these questions, you’re probably not ready to confront your friend. Slow down. Think about them some more. Maybe talk them over with a grown-up you trust.
Keep in mind that the way to move past a friendship rough spot isn’t to prove that you’re Right with a capital R. It’s to understand each other better and respond in kind ways, so, together, you can build an even stronger friendship.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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