Hi,
The news is full of stories of adults behaving badly. The level of discourse sounds a lot like “You’re bad and wrong!” / “No, you’re bad and wrong!” It’s exhausting and demoralizing.
This week’s podcast features two friends, Kenna and Scarlett, who want to know what to do when they get in fights. (I don’t think they’re physically fighting–just arguing.) I’m so impressed and touched that they asked together! These young girls understand something that’s eluding a lot of adults: We have to work together to get along. We’re never going to agree on everything, but we have to find some common ground to build on.
Let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. This month’s online, recorded workshop is: Helping Siblings Get Along! Paid subscribers get $20 off!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 90 - Alma, Age 7: Friend breaks a promise
Ep. 86 - Sally, Age 14: How to know if you can trust a friend
Ep. 73 - J.J., Age 11: Best friend stops playing with him
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Think of an argument that you had with a friend recently. How did you resolve it? Was the solution fair to both of you? Why or why not?
Why do you think friends sometimes argue more than nonfriends?
Dr. Friendtastic said, “The louder you yell, the harder it is for people to hear you.” What does that mean? (Hint: How do other people feel if you yell at them?)
How could telling your friend (honestly) “That makes sense” or “I can see why that matters to you” help the two of you resolve an argument? (Hint: what do you need to do before you can say statements like that?)
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Kenna, and I’m 8. My name is Scarlett and I'm also eight. And we have a question: what do you do when we get in fights?
Hi, Kenna and Scarlett! I’m assuming you’re not physically fighting and hurting each other, so I’m going to talk about handling arguments.
I’m so excited that you sent in this question together! That tells me you already understand something very important about the arguments you have, which is, that you’re both in charge of solving them!
There was a famous author named Dale Carnegie who said, “You can't win an argument….if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”
Think about that for a second: What might you lose if you win an argument? The answer is the other person’s good will or maybe even your friendship!
Often, arguments sound like this:
Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!
Or sometimes, they sound like this:
You’re bad and wrong! No, you’re bad and wrong! No, you’re bad and wrong! No, you’re bad and wrong!
What’s happening in these exchanges? Nothing good! Both people are locked into their point of view, they’re not really listening to the other person, and they’re just getting madder and madder and louder and louder.
When we’re angry with someone, it’s very tempting to argue and try to prove that we’re Right, with a capital R, and the other person is completely wrong! But trying to take them down or overpower them is not a kind way to treat anyone, especially not a friend!
Disagreements are unavoidable in any relationship. In friendships, where we care a lot about what the other person says or does, disagreements can be upsetting. And that’s when you have to dig deep within yourself and hold on tightly to your caring for your friend to guide you through the friendship rough spot.
So, how can you handle a disagreement with a friend?
Start by assuming good intentions. In other words, believe that your friend is a good person who means well, even when she messes up.
Next, try to understand your friend’s point of view. This involves listening and asking good questions. So, “Why would you want to do such a dumb thing?!” is not a good question. That’s a put-down. A good question is about sincerely trying to understand your friend’s thoughts and feelings. So you might ask, “What do you want to do?” or “What do you like about that choice?” or even “What was going on for you when that happened?”
As you listen, try to find something you can agree with or at least understand. You don’t have to agree with everything your friend says, but you want to look for something you can agree on because that’s what you’ll build on to resolve the argument. If you can honestly say, “That makes sense” or “I can see why that matters to you” or even “You’re right!”, then you’re well on the way to settling things between you.
Next, explain your point of view. Use statements that begin with “I think…” or “I feel…” or “I want…” rather than accusations like “You always…” or “You never…”
Try to keep your voice calm and friendly. If you’re upset, you might be tempted to yell, but the louder you yell, the harder it is for people to hear you! Do you know why? Because if you’re yelling, people don’t want to listen to you!
After you’ve both listened and explained, then it’s time to figure out what happens next. We can’t erase what’s already happened, but we can try to move forward in better ways. Sometimes, you might want to brainstorm with your friend about ways to prevent the problem. Sometimes you might want to ask her directly, “From now on, could you please…?”
If you’ve done something that upset your friend, it might be a good idea to apologize and explain what you’re going to do differently from now on.
Sometimes you can work out a compromise, which means doing partly what you want and partly what your friend wants.
And sometimes, you might just decide to go along with what your friend wants, because it matters to her and you care about her. You could also agree to disagree, or forgive each other and move on.
Conflicts with a friend can be upsetting, but your willingness to work things out is a wonderful expression of caring for each other!
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Share this post